Review of the Vale Show by Ivo, Castlemilk Moorit Ram

Well, you’ll have a lovely time, she said.

Yeah. Well. I do like having my horns polished. And I do like a bit of fuss and adulation. So I agreed to go. Then I learned that my ridiculous owner would be showing me. Her first time. I just knew it wouldn’t go well.

Anyway. The crew at Kennixton get me tidied up and along with the others, I’m keen to get in the trailer. Duncan’s coming with me so I’ve got my pal for company. Don’t mind that Boreray, Hunter, being there too. He’s ok. Dunc’s my fave tho, my Shetland brother in arms. I’m getting bigger than him now.

Then I spot Jack. Ah no. Not so keen on those Dorset boys. Huge feckers. Like that chubby one off Shaun the Sheep, only male. He drives me nuts. Won’t listen to me. Gets my horns in his side, he does.

So, I’m not quite so keen now but it’s too late. The doors are closed.

Nice day tho. Sun’s out.

Think it’s been about half an hour & we’ve arrived. Better than that feckin jaunt to Malvern. Took feckin ages & I was in with the girls, miserable stuck up wenches.

The accommodation is ok. Nice spot in the middle of it all. Nice bit of hay. Nice bucket of water. Very nice bit of attention from the crew. I is the biz.

I check out the punters & they look all right. Making all the right noises about how stunning I am. And I am. Wish just one person would recognise me though. I’m not a deer. I’m a sheep. Rare breed, native breed. I am a fine example of a CMM ram..

Then, oh god, here she comes.

‘Hello darling Ivo’ routine from the frizzy haired one. I’m not happy about this. Why do I get the hopelessly inept bird? So, I kick off a bit, head butt the hay bag, the hurdles, might have given the odd knee a thump.

And here we go. Dozy woman looks the part in her tie and coat but gawdelpus, what a useless piece. I walk alongside her – looking the biz – cos I is the biz – and take her into the judging area. She doesn’t even know which one is the judge. Then she has me standing the wrong way round. Well. I could’ve helped. I could’ve turned round for her. But hey.

Then that bloke tried to handle me bits. Now. Jane handling me bits is one thing, some random stranger.. it’s not happening.

And we’re back in the pen. Think I’ll just curl up now and have a kip.

Why is she weeping? Women.


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